too little. too late. [story of my life]

please understand, it wasn't just goodbye it was "i can't stand you."

i know i've written about this before, but i also know that you probably won't ever read any of this in a million years... i guess i'm just hoping that one day you'll stumble upon it and realize that it's meant for you.

i don't think anyone has ever appreciated me quite like you did and i'm stupid for taking so long to realize it. i know it's too late for apologies... i know it's too late for anything... but maybe someday this will mean something. [at least i hope it will] it's hard to think back on the hours we spent together laughing, studying, just talking... definitely not sleeping... and just think that they're all gone. i'm not quite sure who is to blame for it all ending, but i don't think that matters anymore. i wanted to say that i really miss you. i guess it's true that you don't really know what you've got until it's gone. it's sad really. not only did you really appreciate me, but you genuinely listened to everything that i had to say... even about the most unimportant topics. [i know i talk about a lot of those] thing is, you didn't care what it was that i was talking about, you found it brilliant either way... and maybe i'm exaggerating slightly, but it seemed that way to me. i can't believe that i could have ever let go of something like that. you made me feel smarter than anyone has ever made me feel... and smarter than i have ever felt in my life. i felt like i was worth something... like i was going to accomplish something big in life. i didn't feel lost when i was talking to you... i felt like everything was right where it should be. and i know i never told this to you when it actually mattered, i know that bothered you... i guess if i could redo it all over again, i'd tell you how much i really did appreciate you and how much your friendship meant to me. you were a true friend. it's odd because we didn't really know each other for that long, but you knew me better than anyone else at that moment. i know we're different people now and we have no idea what's going on in each other's lives... but i still think you'd know me better than anyone else in my life. it was comforting too. and i felt like i could always confide in you.

i never had to pretend around you. i felt that way from the start [well, maybe a little bit after the start because we both know how it all began :)] i wish i could have been more straightforward.. i know you do too. i guess i've just learned to guard myself because i never want to be dependent on anyone else. i know you quickly learned that... and you didn't push it any further. thank you for that. thanks for your understanding and thanks for always being there. i would take it all back if i could... because i know that you're one person i wish i could have had in my life forever. i know you're going to go on and accomplish wonderful things in life, i've known this for a very long time... i don't think i need to wish you the best, because i think you're all set... you've got everything you need... and i'm glad to know that you'll be successful. you deserve it.

i miss your sarcasm. i miss our silliness. i miss your jokey-jokes. i miss watching movies. i miss you.

ex's and oh's.
losing you is my only regret.