you better bend before i go.

you've been known to stop hearts from across the room.
you're reminded by men daily how beautiful you truly are.
you never really needed the reassurance, but lately it seems to make the days a bit easier.
you could have anyone you want...
anyone, but him.

you shrug off compliments left and right
but deep in your mind you wish they came from his mouth
"you're beautiful, can i take you out?"
it rings like a dream come true,
but the only thing you get is an excuse.

they've all told you to move on, the pain just isn't worth it
but still you hold on, hoping that one day he'll prove them wrong.
the days pass faster, but still you get nothing
it might just be easier to stop hoping.

"he must be one lucky guy"
you're beginning to think it's all just an act
"he better treat you right"
and for the longest time you thought you were the lucky one.

i'm afraid that he may have faked it
it all makes sense in your mind,
but he already had a structure
and he's just not willing to bend for you.

you'll dust yourself off, yet again
the tears will subside and hopefully the pain will end
you'll build up an even stronger wall
to further prevent anyone from entering
because you know you'll just wind up here again.

do you know what it feels like?

tried getting this site to work on my sidekick... for some reason i thought this would be more heart felt coming straight from the heart from under the sheets.

i can't help but rerun last nights events and wish that i could make them happen again tonight. it feels like our time is always cut short and i can never really get enough of you. i try to make the most of our time spent together because deep down i know that i really can't predict the next time i'll get to lay in bed next to you.

the only thing i hate about smoking is the smell it leaves behind on my fingertips.
the only thing i hate about sleeping next to you is the smell you leave behind on my skin.

sometimes i feel like we're never going to get to that point where we've got each other's habits figured out. predict each other's next move. finish each other's sentences. most of the time i think that's perfectly fine because that means that we'll never get the chance to get sick of each other. but even more of the time i'm sure that i couldn't get sick of you. i hate leaving because i know the minute i step outside i'm going to wish that i didn't have to... that i could just stay in your bed all day.

i love that even twenty four hours later i can still feel your breath on my neck and your kiss on my skin. i can feel your fingertips running through my hair... it feels just as good as it did last night, but your absence still feels strongest.

hold me like it's the last day.
kiss me like you'll never get the chance to again.
look at me like you're trying to memorize every curve of my face.
but most importantly, tell me that you hope it's not.

"baby, i'm not alright when you go. i'm not fine. please be all mine. i never want you to go because i am all yours, so please, be all mine."

.xOx.
she had an earthquake on her mind.

i don't know you anymore.

second chances are extinct.
it's too late to apologize.
the words you said literally brought tears to my eyes.
it was like an old wound being torn open
i let it heal, but you needed to dig deeper.
i don't think you ever understood just how much it meant to me.
how important it all was to me
i'm sorry we weren't able to work harder for it
i'm sorry that you were too stubborn to see how great it all could have been.
but it's all just a little too late now.
too late for mending the wounds.
too late for apologies.
too late to get back what we left behind.
i think it's time you learn to move on and just forget
because i'm not just going to be waiting around until you realize.
you chose the path you're on
and despite my telling you that you deserved more
you chose to keep walking down the same road.
stop blaming me for any problems along the way.
it wasn't my fault i made you rethink things that were beyond my control.
accept that everything that lies before you was hand-picked by no one other than you.
you wanted it. you've got it.

.xOx.

you.

you will never tell me i'm beautiful.
you don't think i'm smart.
you haven't caught on to my quirks.
do you even notice the details!?
i never want to take my eyes off you
i can't wait to memorize each scar&freckle
i'm afraid i'll fall faster than you
you don't see it, do you!?

i wish for rain just so you can stay in bed a little longer.
i don't mind when you leave though. your scent is everywhere.
i like the way you breathe and the way you smell.
but most of all i like that when you hold me everything feels right again.
like i'm finally where i belong... everything is in place.
please, don't let go.

.xOx.

it's like you never...

i lost my sense of direction.
real lies never last.
the circles under my eyes will reveal that not only have i been worried,
but i also haven't cared.
i guess that doesn't say much for you.
moving forward.
it's always so much easier said than done.
choke on your pride
it doesn't impress me.
you're never going to ask
and i'm not going to be the one.
i digress.
but i'll only wait long enough for you to step up to the line.
last chance.
it's time to go all out.
how much does it really mean to you!?
because you're the only one that really doesn't notice.

.xOx.

i just need to catch my breath before you take it away again.

seriously had the most rough day in a while.
i just can't bring myself to even think it.
i can't believe i worried.
i'm being so stupid.

enough for now.
.xOx.

but he twists like whoa.

it's funny to me that going into this you thought you'd be the one getting hurt.
i wish there was a way for me to tell you that i'm always the one that's left hurting in the end.
not that you'd believe me or anything,
but you really shouldn't worry.
i don't think i'd ever be capable of hurting you
because it amazes me how much you mean to me already.
not that i could ever tell you so
because i worry that i'd come on too strong
and push you away.
i still don't even know the basics,
but i'd love to lock you in my room and learn all about them.
the ball is in your court.
you can take as much or as little.
i'm leaving myself vulnerable and very susceptible to pain,
but i think you're worth it.
something about you tells me to take a chance,
i just wish i knew how you felt exactly.
i guess it's all just a matter of time...

.xOx.
here i go again...

he has an honest voice.

you don't know me.
you don't even care.

.xOx.
i think i'll go where no one knows my name.

it all seems to make sense

slightly tipsy. comfortable.
not so much that i'm forgetting,
but enough to know what i want.
the fireplace was never quite as fulfilling as when it's shared with someone.
i never could light a good fire,
but i'm hoping you can change that.
i can't believe how quickly i've forgotten,
that i didn't want to end up down this route.
it's not you, really... it's me.
i always let go too quickly,
let my guard down after a few promises.
i wasn't going to allow myself to get hurt again,
but i think it's all worth it for one night with you.
i can't believe i'm saying that,
i didn't think it was possible again.
you make me forget everything
it's just you and me.
i've never been so care free
i've never felt so on top of the world
like... it's all possible.
anything i set my mind to.
i wish i was capable of making you feel the same way.
i don't think i am,
but i sure will try my best.

.xOx.

i'm not letting myself fall...

i don't want to know that you're going to break my heart.

.xOx.
i want you to be different.

skin deep.

i want someone who can wake up next to me and despite last night's running make up still think i'm beautiful.
i want the "new relationship" feelings to last when it's comfortable.
i don't ever want it to be routine.
i don't ever want you to stop doing what you like to do just for me.
i don't know that you'd always have time to spend with me, but i'm sure you'd try your best.
i want you to love & respect me.
i want you to know & hold me.
i don't think i'm being too demanding, but maybe i'm crossing a line.
truth is, i want you to see me how i want you to see me. [make sense!?]
i don't want to bend over backwards anymore.
i don't want to do the chasing.
i don't want lies or pain anymore.
i want to trust in you.
please, don't let me down.

it's all starting to get really foggy.

i just want you to know who i am.

i don't know what exactly it is about you that i can't get off my mind. i can't figure out why you were put there... and why now!? i can't figure out why i want to believe in you with everything in me. but i can't help but go in with a cautious mind and fearful heart. i've been here before... and each time it's left me more broken than the last. i'm not sure that i could handle it another time so forgive me for trying to maneuver with baby steps.

sometimes i feel like it's all just too good to be true. do fantasies and fairy tales stilly happen!? because i was sure that i had grown out of believing... but my inner child tries to convince me otherwise...

stuck in the battle between heart and mind... the only problem is that for once they are actually agreeing. what's holding me back then!? please, don't let me be wrong again.

.xOx.
the moment we decided...

a work, unfinished, as always.

she doesn't sleep. the day's events are too much to escape. she looks to you in hopes that you'll save her. it's not until then that she realizes how alone she truly is. your voice haunts her as she tries to drift away, but it's the only thing keeping her from the blade. she never quite found her way with a pen like you did. the words still sting with each read.


...
i wish i could finish it.

.xOx.

i'm supposed to love you.

was that actually a real smile i saw you flashing?
it's hard to believe that something other than her can make you happy.
actually, more times than not, she's the cause of your misery
but that's your habit
and you haven't found a way to kick it.
i only understand this concept because that's the way i feel about you.
my sole purpose.
my reason for thriving.
my obsession.
"it's a strange way of saying that i know i'm supposed to love you"
i'm supposed to love you.
it's funny because i didn't look at it like that until this very moment.
i was meant to love you
it's the only explanation for the pain and happiness you're capable of bringing me.
i'm supposed to love you.
i'm supposed to love you.

.xOx.
xox?

3..2..1.. and i'm having fun.

i thought i knew you.
you proved me wrong
this is one argument i wish i would've won.
"you're right, i give up"
i'd give anything to hear those words.
but you won't be saying them
because both you and i know how wrong i've been
wrong to have protected you
wrong to have believed.
wrong to have hoped
that things would change
be different... for once.
the sun has set
and it will never come up again
your days will remain dark and rainy
how nocturnal can you get?
read your final words again,
is this really how you want it all to end?

and now i'm the one who can't close her eyes
for fear that i'll be reminded of you again.
one more shot.
one more hit.
anything to numb the pain.
it makes your face fade quickly.
this time, i don't think you're the one who needs rescuing.

.xOx.

no news is good news.

my ice cream was too cold today.

--a.

serenaded by the terror of you

i'd write it all over the fields if that's what it takes to get you to notice.
"a dollar's a penny to you."
my fingertips are sore.
i'm not sure if that's from trying to type my feelings
or this new hobby i've picked up.
actually, i'm hoping it's more than a hobby.
kind of how i hope that sometimes you weren't a habit.
i'm not saying that's all that you are,
but you sure are hard to quit.
there's a picture of a smile on my face
it hasn't been real since we last spoke.
you're not realizing what it would take to sink this ship.
it's more than walking planks and pirates.
but it's less than what keeps me away from "us".
5am blues
but your green keeps you away.
only every other word begins to register.
in with the bad
out with the good
that's what it's come down to.
do you remember those words?

.xOx.

whisper sweet somethings

it felt like it hasn't changed. like you were still the same person and you actually knew me. knowing you rarely make eye contact, i think my legs went completely numb when your eyes caught mine. in a room surrounded by people and loud bass, all i could focus on was me and you and it was completely silent. the show was just for me.

i can't wait for the days when you could sit in a cafe without being bothered by too many people. hopefully i'll stumble upon you during those days and strike up a conversation that doesn't begin with "i love you." i'd tell you how much i appreciated your words always being there because no matter how i was feeling there was always a sentence just waiting to make everything alright again. i don't think i will ever be able to express to you how much your words have affected me. even if i could articulate it, i'm not sure that you'd appreciate it. i hope you would. i don't take any of it for granted and thank you so much for doing what you do and not letting it get to your head [too much].

signing off.
.xOx.

you vs. me. saying vs. doing

you're so good at talking about your accomplishments and future plans, but when are you actually going to start acting on them? it's so easy for you to put me down and tell me what i'm incapable of doing. it may not seem like it now, but i've got big plans in store. i'm not going to just talk up a storm and then watch my life pass me by. one day you're going to regret ever doubting me and you'll swallow those words whole. i'm going to see my dreams come true... or i'm going to die trying.

updates...

i've got many shows planned for the upcomming months and even this summer. it's going to be a good year. i'm going to see fob and incubus on tuesday! i'm glad those shows worked out for me. it's going to be unbelievable. those are 2 stubs i'm going to cherish forever. :)

current book: "catcher in the rye"
current music: Infinity on High
current worry: life.

.xOx.
i love you, but fuck you.

come on, bring it.

feeling as of late: you make my heart beat.
please, don't let it skip.

update @ http://insomniaheart.livejournal.com

how many words can one think of, really?
.xx.

i finally found myself... in your bed.

it's hard for me to even listen to that song.
the one that reminds me of the hours i used to spend
laying on your bed
twirling my hair
as you studied intently for the next day's classes.
you'd look over and smile
you liked having me on your bed
and i loved that you did.
it was my home away from home.
i loved being your distraction
although, you never made me feel that way.
i liked that you'd clear your schedule just for me.
i talked a lot.
i know.
but you listened to every word.
even when you didn't really want
to hear what i was saying.
i never would've known
all that i know now
if i had not met you.
thank you.

x.x.x.x

flash.flash.flash.repeat.

i watch as they gracefully fall to the ground
so desperately wishing i was on my back
waving my arms & legs around
as they fell to my tongue.
it glistens as the street lights
begin to come on
hours pass, but i just can't seem
to unglue myself from the ground.
it all looks much clearer from the bottom
it's a point of view
i don't see much anymore.
if i could just lie down
once more
maybe everything would be
in perspective.
i could pick myself up
and look down
upon the beauty
i was once able to create.

xx.oo.

i want to hide in your song.

sing me to sleep
make my heart worry-free
i'm thinking of things that only your voice can do to me
it's been far too long
speak directly to my heart
your words pump through my veins
it's the only time i really know everything will be ok
i never wanted to let go
all good notes come to an end
sing to me again.
it's much to hard to believe
that your last words spoken to me
weren't "come to me"
but "stay forever with me"
my answer is yes.
i'd go anywhere with you.
don't let the words end
i need to keep breathing again
speak to me in songs
i'll forever be your audience.

x.00.x

thanks for the memories.

remember that one time we had a phone conversation completely in whispers?

ex.oh.

too little. too late. [story of my life]

please understand, it wasn't just goodbye it was "i can't stand you."

i know i've written about this before, but i also know that you probably won't ever read any of this in a million years... i guess i'm just hoping that one day you'll stumble upon it and realize that it's meant for you.

i don't think anyone has ever appreciated me quite like you did and i'm stupid for taking so long to realize it. i know it's too late for apologies... i know it's too late for anything... but maybe someday this will mean something. [at least i hope it will] it's hard to think back on the hours we spent together laughing, studying, just talking... definitely not sleeping... and just think that they're all gone. i'm not quite sure who is to blame for it all ending, but i don't think that matters anymore. i wanted to say that i really miss you. i guess it's true that you don't really know what you've got until it's gone. it's sad really. not only did you really appreciate me, but you genuinely listened to everything that i had to say... even about the most unimportant topics. [i know i talk about a lot of those] thing is, you didn't care what it was that i was talking about, you found it brilliant either way... and maybe i'm exaggerating slightly, but it seemed that way to me. i can't believe that i could have ever let go of something like that. you made me feel smarter than anyone has ever made me feel... and smarter than i have ever felt in my life. i felt like i was worth something... like i was going to accomplish something big in life. i didn't feel lost when i was talking to you... i felt like everything was right where it should be. and i know i never told this to you when it actually mattered, i know that bothered you... i guess if i could redo it all over again, i'd tell you how much i really did appreciate you and how much your friendship meant to me. you were a true friend. it's odd because we didn't really know each other for that long, but you knew me better than anyone else at that moment. i know we're different people now and we have no idea what's going on in each other's lives... but i still think you'd know me better than anyone else in my life. it was comforting too. and i felt like i could always confide in you.

i never had to pretend around you. i felt that way from the start [well, maybe a little bit after the start because we both know how it all began :)] i wish i could have been more straightforward.. i know you do too. i guess i've just learned to guard myself because i never want to be dependent on anyone else. i know you quickly learned that... and you didn't push it any further. thank you for that. thanks for your understanding and thanks for always being there. i would take it all back if i could... because i know that you're one person i wish i could have had in my life forever. i know you're going to go on and accomplish wonderful things in life, i've known this for a very long time... i don't think i need to wish you the best, because i think you're all set... you've got everything you need... and i'm glad to know that you'll be successful. you deserve it.

i miss your sarcasm. i miss our silliness. i miss your jokey-jokes. i miss watching movies. i miss you.

ex's and oh's.
losing you is my only regret.